David Pelcovitz and Eliezer Schnall Parse Results of OU Survey Finding Orthodox Marriages Are Stronger A national survey of married couples in the Orthodox community, conducted by the Orthodox Union, has found that Orthodox marriages are stronger than those in the rest of society but there is a perception that the divorce rate is rising. Results from the Aleinu Marriage Satisfaction Survey were analyzed and interpreted by Dr. David Pelcovitz, Straus Professor of Psychology and Education at Azrieli Graduate School of Jewish Education and Administration; Dr. Eliezer Schnall, clinical assistant professor of psychology at Yeshiva College; and Debbie Fox, director of Aleinu Family Resource Center, and author of the survey. The largest survey of Orthodox Jewish marriages ever conducted, the project gathered 3,670 responses. Conducted online from Jan. 15-March 31, 2009, the survey was undertaken by the OU in conjunction with the Aleinu Family Resource Center, a program of Jewish Family Service of Los Angeles and the Rabbinical Council of California. The survey was coordinated by Frank Buchweitz, OU national director of community services and special projects, and the raw data was collected by OTX, a California institute of the behavioral sciences. “Even with the perception of rising divorce rates in the Orthodox community, the overall message of the survey is quite positive,” Dr. Pelcovitz said. “Sure we have problems, but we seem to be doing something right. Our satisfaction rates are significantly higher than in the general community. Most people are saying, ‘If I had to do it again, I’d marry the same person.’ In a world of so many failed marriages, this is what we’re seeing, but we can make it a lot better, by following up, training rabbis, educators and the community.” The Aleinu Marital Satisfaction Survey expanded the number of questions, broadening an earlier survey it conducted in 2008. In addition to the original items assessing marriage satisfaction, the impact upon marriage from additional factors—including at-risk children, infertility and birth control—were studied as well as issues pertaining to premarital counseling effects on marriage satisfaction. Survey results indicated that overwhelmingly, marriages among Orthodox Jews tend to be happy--more often than in society as a whole–with three-quarters of spouses saying they would get married again to the same person. However, there is a marital satisfaction “down-period” starting well in advance of 20 years of marriage and leading up to 30 years, which may precede an “up-period” in which fulfillment and happiness become more common. Pelcovitz and Schnall noted at a presentation of the results at OU headquarters in November that the decline of satisfaction and its resurgence after 30 years result in a “u-shaped curve,” a factor which should be kept in mind by rabbis and others counseling married couples. “Of course our satisfaction dips; it dips for everybody. But that’s part of the beast,” Pelcovitz said. “Wouldn’t it be nice to get that message out to our community that we’re living in an age of shidduchim [introduction of the couple to each other] in which so often what’s guiding us is this totally bizarre view that life is without stress, that somehow we’re going to find a partner in which there won’t be the slightest difference of what goes into a marriage. In reality,” he added, “marriage is about stress; marriage is about conflict. But if you can only understand that when you’re going through that dip in marital satisfaction, while you’re going through the normal stresses of raising children, with the stress of yeshiva tuitions, put that all together, it’s normal, and there’s light at the end of the tunnel.” At the other extreme, for the newly married, more so than for those married more than 30 years, expectations for marriage are drawn from Hollywood or magazines. “This may not be the wisest choice,” Dr. Schnall said. The survey also found that baalei teshuva, those who do not grow up religiously observant but become so later in life, face added challenges in their marriages; more affluent families run a greater risk of marital stress from at-risk or “off-the-derech [path]” children than Orthodox Jews of more modest means; there are special stresses and strains that affect Orthodox marriages; and expanded efforts must be made in areas of rabbinic training and choson [groom] and kallah [bride] teachers (those who provide pre-marital instruction to the couple) to make these mentors more effective. Recommendations from the survey included community education regarding how to manage the inevitable conflict that couples deal with improved pastoral training for rabbis, choson and kallah teachers and high school and post-high school teachers regarding understanding how to educate congregants and students on the core skill set necessary for negotiating conflict in marriage. Watch a video presentation of the survey results here See the PowerPoint presentation of the findings here See article in The Jewish Week here